To infinity

The idea of the spectrum has become so wildly important in my life, it is a way to help describe or define my own feelings or desires or problems or obsessions, it positions these things in such a way that makes them more manageable. More “in perspective.”

I believe I exist somewhere on the asexual spectrum, whether due to nature or nurture or fear or repression or some other thing or a little bit of everything. I think this goes for my genderfluidity and who I’m attracted to, as well. Everything seems to be a spectrum. Anyone else out there not get too caught up with personal pronouns while fully wishing people would respect other peoples’ pronouns? That’s where I’m at, and sometimes it feels wishy washy while other times like I’m doing the best I can.

I say all this because though asexuality is a word I’ve become sort of attached to, it does not easily explain nor does it easily fit in with my interest in the world of bdsm, which I’ve known about, at least vaguely, since probably my preteen years.

There is an adult film fest - stuff made “by real people for real people” so, like, stuff that’s funny and creative and everything in between - happening in less than 24 hours, and I’ve had a ticket for a few weeks now. The issue is, do I actually show? This would be a serious first for me, a serious, serious step into exploring a part of myself that (until this blog thing) has never been expressed clearly and explicitly, and certainly has never made contact with another human person. What if it is’t right for me? Like maybe I’m forcing something that best exists in fantasyland? Maybe “killing desire” is the best route. I don’t think I’ll know til I know.

I do think that making this part of myself “real,” real meaning, perhaps, expressing this part before other living breathing people, could be the single biggest and weirdest thing I’ve ever done. It’s the one thing I feel has been self-tabooed long enough to turn to anxiety and depression. I think I have to go to this event.

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Update:

Lots of fun, lots of turn on, felt good to be in a room with other unquestionable weirdos

Art Show

This Saturday there’s a lottt of good art going on, but one especially good one is Briena Harmening’s Jus Piddlin at Browsing Room Gallery in downtown Nashville. She is very cool and talented and her textile work is funny-serious, see below:

Boeing GBU-39

Here is a marketing pamphlet for the Boeing-made bomb that killed 45 displaced humans living in tents:

https://www.boeing.com/content/dam/boeing/boeingdotcom/defense/weapons-weapons/images/small_diameter_bomb_product_card.pdf

Heartwood

The trees seem older this year

Like they all grew up at once

Like they know that the only way people care

Is if they’re rooted on a battlefield

That’s probably exhausting, not good for one’s mental health

A hollowed out feeling

And the problem with trees, you know,

Is capitalism

They don’t need it

Self-sufficient

Poor self-defense (against capitalists that is)

And yet a threat to foundations and cornerstones

Disruptive in their own way

Slowly

And without fanfare

And for the good of everyone

Even capitalists