Sneak

And here we find the momentary (false?) desire to not be perceived and the failed execution of that desire

Thankfully this desire has lessened in very recent years, because, I mean, who seriously and for real never wants to be perceived? We have to be perceived to get thru this life. It still crops up intensely at especially inopportune moments. There’s am impulse I have when seeing someone I know or want to befriend in public, I tend to scram. A reason for this is the ever intrusive thought “they don’t want to be associated with me” - it isn’t ever quite that lucid, but it flashes in tangible bits and pieces, just enough to turn into anxiety and weirdo behavior. The reason for that reason can be varying- I probably smell, a little too homely, not intelligent enough, dull, a hair that’s probably right in the middle of my chin, the way I fear I turn every conversation back to “I” somehow…the self-obsession goes on and on.

There’s also a delusion I have that reads like “I don’t want them to think I stalked them here.” Currently I have no idea where this fear originated, but it might be the most powerful one. The fact that I seem to remember the most obscure and personal factoids about a person or situation doesn’t help, but I currently have no control over that part. Your name? Forget about it. The car you drive? Will never forget. Does anyone else have this going on? Probably, or at least in part. The idea of “the mimic” is similar, I can unconsciously begin to appropriate (mirror?) the likes or style or phraseology of a person. Usually I don’t realize this til days or years later, like the punk senior I had a crush on so I began to wear tshirts over button-downs. Maybe the word here is “cringe?”

At any rate, the couple years here where masks were just the norm helped a ton- I had a lot more eye contact, and a lot more confident of a stance.

I think I referred to this song before, but “Simple” by Nashville band buulb lays it out perfectly- “you just gotta get over you.”

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“What’s the take?”

“Friendship”

• A made-up quote that I think about sometimes, one I wish I could project out of my forehead when things get awkward

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Early memories with a bradford pear

To be recorded.

Détournement

by Guy Debord

“METHODS OF DETOURNEMENT”

http://pzacad.pitzer.edu/~mma/teaching/MS80/readings/detournement.pdf

The Age of

“This suggests that in the new mythology, which is to be of the whole human race, the old Near Eastern desacralization of nature by way of a doctrine of the Fall will have been rejected; so that any such limiting sentiment as that expressed in II Kings 5:15, "there is no God in all the earth but in Israel," will be (to use a biblical term) an abomination. The image of the universe will no longer be the old Sumero-Babylonian, locally centered, three-layered affair, of a heaven above and abyss below, with an ocean-encircled bit of earth between; nor the later, ptolemaic one, of a mysteriously suspended globe enclosed in an orderly complex of revolving crystalline spheres; nor even the recent heliocentric image of a single planetary system at large within a galaxy of exploding stars; but (as of today, at least) an inconceivable immensity of galaxies, clusters of galaxies, and clusters of clusters (superclusters) of galaxies, speeding apart into expanding distance, with humanity as a kind of recently developed scurf on the epidermis of one of the lesser satellites of a minor star in the outer arm of an average galaxy, amidst one of the lesser clusters among the thousands, catapulting apart, which took form some fifteen billion years ago as a consequence of an inconceivable preternatural event.“