*i am using what i believe can be called heteronormative thinking/language in this thang, as in my mind i am thinking of past environments of my life with cisgender (& many times Christian) straight women. I also might be confusing what heteronormative means, and I am sorry if this is the case *
Today an older coworker and I reminisced on past experiences and work spaces where we were in majority-women environments. They have been, for both of us as women, our most difficult and harrowing spaces. Women seem to be able to administer a type of cruelty that men cannot or (mostly) do not, which maybe exists on the psychological side. I have personally found it near impossible to make genuine, offline connections with other women as an adult (I am exploring and questioning my gender identity but for now I go with afab, or woman). What is this? What does it mean? I know there are other women like this, but many days it feels like I am in another world, or from another world. There’s a coldness, a shunning or elitist knife that cuts right through to my brain and nerves - granted, I know I am not always reading signals accurately - that I rarely encounter with men. I hope this doesn’t sound snobby or anti-woman or any of the like, it’s just something I’ve felt for much of my life, and I wonder who else out there might have caught the same feelings. I remember someone saying that men are drawn to imagery and women to text, and I always related to the imagery thing. Has that been disproven? Can I stop feeling like I’ve betrayed the feminine?
I think part of my personal problem also comes from my internalised struggle with the concept of “the single woman” in the Christian spaces I’ve been in, aka the most dangerous type of woman. One who “must be single for a reason.” Untrustworthy, selfish, jezebel-type. I cannot shake the thought that I must be that, and it infects every part of my attempts at friend-making. I also assume there is a secret goddess knowledge/instinct/impulse that I have somehow been barred from obtaining. So maybe the selfish claim has more truth than I care to admit. I also know I’m duckin awkward. I stare too long if I like you (not like you like-you). I remember grossly personal factoids (which can be good and bad). I do not ask the right questions. I currently tend to be on the covert narcissist side, at least that’s my assessment. I need to work on self-care. I..also need therapy or meds or something to help take the place of these posts.
I will probably delete this, but it has been on my mind for a very long time, and feels good to cast it out! #demonbegone